I Can Cry If I Want To

So I know I have only "parented" for a little over a month now and I know I may not be too qualified to have an opinion on parenting...BUT, I have developed one on a topic that truly terrifies new parents---the dreaded tantrum.

It is OKAY to let your toddler scream and cry and kick and punch the floor in the frozen food aisle at Walmart. It is OKAY when your toddler squeezes under a fitting room door and hides behind a display of hanging clothes. It is OKAY when you're at a restaurant and your toddler refuses to sit in the booth and instead wants to lay on the grossly dirty floor under the table. 

Don't let your blood pressure rise. Don't start sweating it. One thing I have learned with Ree is that she is filled with thousands of emotions and that they are impossible for her to understand and that she must express them. I have uncovered some of her "quirks" over the weeks and the most important lesson I want parents to teach their children: It is good to have a cry until you feel better. It is healthy to punch the pillows on your bed until you relax. It is okay to go sit in a corner and be alone until you are ready to talk.

What a valuable life skill to instill in our children! To learn how to express and understand and talk about their emotions. I grew up bottling and hiding and masking my feelings and as an adult today, I still don't know what to do with them.

I let Ree get mad at me. I let her hide behind me instead of greet strangers. I let her throw tantrums at Target because we are not buying a jumbo bag of Snickers bars. I let her scream at the dentist because she is scared. I let her crawl into my bed in the middle of the night because she craves physical touch.

There are moments when I understand Ree's behavior as "attention seeking." Some of her fits and fights are just screaming LOOK AT ME. I EXIST. What amazing confidence she has. I want Ree to be sixteen years old and bold enough to demand the respect she deserves.

Of course everything in life works best at a healthy equilibrium. There are times when I feel it is appropriate to follow a tantrum with discipline. For example, behavior that is outright rude or mean or there is a lesson to teach your little one. And there are different moments when I understand Ree is just begging for someone to love her and squeeze the hurt places away. That she is just yearning to have feelings and be allowed to feel them.

One thing that Ree has started doing lately breaks my heart. I see her sometimes insanely happy and she will stop and immediately refuse to allow herself to do what is making her happy. For example, we might spend the morning destroying the kitchen by baking pancakes for breakfast. In the midst of all the laughter and flour and chocolate, she will run to her bed and burst out in tears. 

It is scary for Ree to allow herself to be happy and it is scary for her to be comfortable with happiness. It is terrifying to become dependent on a stranger or to rely on an unstable situation. Everything I give Ree to make her happy reminds her of the day it will be taken away. 

That is why I let Ree cry in her bed until she feels better and she will return with a smile on her face to eat her pancakes and talk about it. And when our days are particularly crummy, we blast Katy Perry, break open the Hersey Kisses and put clothes on the dog.

I will teach my daughters every day that crying is not taboo and that their tears are not trivial. I will teach my boys that crying does not make them less of a man, it makes them a brave and passionate and feeling man. 

Parents, try to watch out for these moments when it is fair and right to let your children have a good cry. Don't ask them to stop crying because you feel uncomfortable. Allow them to cry until they are finished and soothe their feelings. Learning how to self-soothe and vocalize feelings after you've had a chance to feel them....is a skill most adults do not have. 

This does not only apply to tears and anger. There are moments when it is fair to allow your child to feel totally euphoric. To dance and wiggle and walk crooked and tip toe and sing and scream and run in circles in public. Because they just feel SO HAPPY. Remember, this their childhood and they only get one. Those too-happy moments in adulthood are fewer and thinner and farther apart. Appearing to be well-behaved children in public is not as important as that single moment when your daughter feels purely and genuinely blissful. Sometimes Ree's public disturbing happy-moments really brighten others' days. SO SCREAM IN PUBLIC! 

Ree, baby, you are teaching me SO much about life. I finally understand that being 4 means expressing yourself LOUDLY and PROUDLY. 

I'm Gonna Miss You When You're Gone

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

Tonight's bedtime story really got my eyes watering. Ree picked out Dr. Seuss' "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" This book was definitely written for adults that need some valuable life advice.

Now normally, I'd just highly recommend you all to go and read it because IT. IS. FABULOUS. But, I know that zero of you would actually do so. 

Good news! The full text of this book is freely available all over the Internet so I'm going to assume it's not illegal for me to share it with you.... (In case it is, I already own six copies of the book so maybe that justifies things #teacherperk) ENJOY! It will have you feeling bright and optomistic tonight.

Congratulations! Today is your day. You're off to Great Places! You're off and away!

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care. About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there." With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you'll want to go down. In that case, of course, you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don't worry. Don't stew. Just go right along. You'll start happening too.

OH! THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up! You'll be seeing great sights! You'll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed. You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best. Where you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't. Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so but, sadly, it's true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump, you're not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darker. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right... or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you'll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place. The Waiting Place...

.... for people just waiting. Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil or a Better Break or a string of pears, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

NO! That's not for you! 

Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying. You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping, once more you'll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you're that kind of guy!

Oh the places you'll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't. Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times you'll play lonely games too. Games you can't win 'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone! Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike. And I know you'll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So..... be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea, you're off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting, So.... get on your way!

(More) New Beginnings

This mama got a job. FINALLY. 

I have not been employed since the first week of November. GASP. That sounds so irresponsible. But I basically spent my savings on my Uganda trip and then I was out of the country for quite awhile. When I returned I had a quick stint in the hospital and spent a month recuperating. Then I got the crazy idea to spend my newly appreciated (unemployed) free time fostering Ree. 

Now I can finally say I have found a promising path. And it most certainly is a road less travelled.

Well, I suppose most of the roads I've travelled down this year have been of that less-travelled variety. Anyways.

If all goes according to plan, and it usually doesn't, I will know next Wednesday what position I will hold at the Primo Center for Women and Children. Fostering Ree inspired me to discover how I can use my Education degree alongside social work. I am a woman of many hats and right now I'm just gonna put on new one for a lil bit and see how I like it.

Little Ree will be starting full-time preschool as soon as I discover when and where and how I'll be working. We will both be full-time exhausted. She is doing really well. Today we are having a movie marathon in our PJs so this gal can laundry, dishes, vacuum, fall asleep on the toilet.

Enjoy your Wednesday!

Elizabeth

Tonight my heart is in Uganda. I received devastating news this week and I have been thinking about how to share the story with you for several days. It is gravely upsetting and in need of furtive prayer.

My dear friend Masaka has lost her daughter. Masaka lives in Kishanje and became a very close friend of mine while we were constructing Ariyo's house. She is the only woman in Kishanje who works alongside men on projects such as these. They respect her as an equal, in fact, love her friendship and skill. She is most popular in the community because she brews kashera, a sour grain porridge that's equivalently as alcoholic as a Bud Light. I visited Masaka's home several times to purchase kashera for the laborers and each visit she stuff me to the brim with potatoes and beans.

Masaka's story has been tugging on my heart all week. Her name is not Masaka. It is a sweetly given nickname given to her to honor where she comes from, a place called Masaka. Her given name is Judith. She came to Kishanje after the death of her husband, bringing along her only daughter Elizabeth to start a new life. Dedicated to caring for her new community, Masaka became the guardian for four Juna Amagara orphans who attend New Times school. The bittersweet fact that her own daughter was still waiting for a spot in the program to receive an education makes my heart ache. She worked alongside me each day, building Ariyo's home and watching all the other children thrive from the support of JAM--new uniforms, shoes, mattresses, soap, warm meals, sponsorship letters and gifts and visitors. After each day of hard work, she returned home to her own home in desperate need of repairs. Watched Elizabeth waiting and asking for the opportunity to attend school with the other children.

It is a little bit taboo to ask Bakiga people for information about a person's death so it has made it difficult for me to respectfully find out what happened to Elizabeth. From what I have gathered through emails with friends, Elizabeth died from a kitchen accident involving boiling water. She was six years old.

Please pray for this wonderful woman who is now grieving in the very worst way imaginable. 

Life is so very fragile and delicate. RIP Elizabeth.

Remember To Brush and Floss 2x a Day!

Today is just one of those days. Everybody has them....me and Ree are having one together.

Ree had a babysitter last night, an exceptionally honest babysitter who let me know Ree was awake passed midnight and had just fallen asleep.

This morning I was exhausted and Ree was exhausted and I was plenty worried about my exhausted bank account.

Then we went to our first Dentist appointment. Ree did fabulously (although I can't imagine it going over well the next 5 scheduled visits.) She had TWELVE (yes, 12. One dozen) cavities. Twelve cavities. Holy cow you have to try to brew that much decay. We weren't exactly shocked to hear the news but we were surprised she had over four cavities....we were pretty sure she had a couple......well, she had TWELVE.

She's going to need to have two-three fillings a week for the next five weeks. The back molars are all receiving root canals and silver caps and the front teeth will have white caps. Cosmetically, the holes in her smile will be filled. She is very excited about that. I'm excited for the laughing gas.

We also have doctors orders to follow: Ree can only drink water, no snacking in-between meals and NO sugar. That is ZERO SUGAR. The kid was raised on sugar and now we've got to quit cold turkey. The next few weeks are going to be difficult. I can't imagine any of this is fun for her.

We have been having so much fun together.....but now that Ree is comfortable with me and trusts me, is familiar with my routines and my generosity....she's starting to show more and more defiance each day. She knows I will not "whoop" her and she knows my home is a safe place.......so it makes sense that now she feels safe enough to act out the way all kids do. We are practicing using our listening ears, being a big girl, staying in bed at night, coming when I call her, keeping her seat belt on, etc. etc. etc. 

I'm exhausted. Happy, but exhausted. I'd be lying if I said I didn't hide in the bathroom for 20 minutes to write this. Ree is on the other side of the door building a play-doh/block/marble/tupperware kingdom for her Frozen figurines. She's already memorized all the words to the song, "Let It Go."

We have also started going to therapy once a week on Tuesdays at 4pm and I'm trying to get her into my old pediatrician's office for a physical. We ALSO are starting preschool for the first time! This girl is way to brilliant to waste another day. She will thrive in school. She finna be great.

Another interesting topic for debate: am I doing her hair right? We get a lot of stares from people in public. They either say "What a cute little girl!" or "That white girl's made her hair all nappy." To the folks out there who see Ree's hair: I AM TRYING. We deep condition it twice daily and I twist the ends and wax the hairline just as I was told. The braids and beads she arrived with were looking disastrous, so we have gone au natural.  I think she is absolutely adorable. She likes the extra "pillow" at night. At the Shedd Aquarium she ran up to a boy with a big smile on her face and said, "Look at my nappyhead!" She's also loving the trips to Target to find sparkly headbands. We try, we try.

To all of you active, patient, hands-on parents out there, God Bless You.

When Beans Are More Valuable Than Money

My heart is back in Uganda today...

One night Clare, Zebia, Lynate and I were sitting around the table by candle light, singing along to Justin Bieber songs on the radio and peeling carrots and green peppers when we heard a knock on the back door. 

It was very dark outside, way too late for us to be preparing supper for the "men of the house." Thinking maybe it was Allen returning from the village center with a match box, I opened the door to find my girl hugging a sack of beans (as big as her whole body) with the biggest smile on her face.

"To pay for the house," Ariyo said and gestured for me to accept them.

The entire house was speechless. We were so completely blown away that we could not think of a single thing to say. Finally, Clare broke the silence, "We're having beans for dinner!"

I would have paid $1million for that bowl of beans. I would have held on to them forever...but beans are just one of those gifts that you're forced to enjoy right away.

No one in that room would have told Ariyo that a sack of beans cannot pay for house. Because to us, it did pay for that house. That small gesture was MORE than enough to pay for anything. That simple gift from the sweetest girl.

I'd like to first explain why such a small gift was so priceless. To a family of six, who own exactly nothing, a garden is the only thing which keeps you alive. Ariyo's garden was oh so very small. They had just recently planted a handful of sweet potatoes and several strands of beans were popping up around the perimeter of their small house. To say that garden was properly feeding those children is absolutely ludicrous. (Thankfully JAM was providing meals for the kids at school). Imagine----that sack of beans was literally everything that family owned until they planted more food and waited for it to grow. They offered me their last bit of livelihood, a gesture of pure love. 

Part of me couldn't imagine accepting a gift so large. It was too valuable, too expensive, way too generous! How could I possibly eat a big bowl of beans tonight that would take away everything Ariyo owned at home?

The other part of me had my sweet girl staring at me, offering me a steaming bowl of warm beans on a cold rainy night....spoon feeding them to me and not once asking for her own bite. It was that exact moment I realized how pure and sweet her heart is.....how much I should strive to see the world the way she does. 

I have never missed anyone in my life this much. Most days while I am missing her it physically hurts. She has made my heart grow too large for its chest.

THAT is how a handful of beans pays for a 5 bedroom house.